Imagine that you are Jewish and observant, and that you are into BDSM, both domination/submission and physical play. Imagine further that you have found a partner with complimentary interests, that you have been seeing each other for a while, and have decided to get married. Mazal tov! So you are planning a traditional Jewish wedding.

Would you want the submissive/bottom person to wear something BDSM-ish during the ceremony? Would you want them to wear a collar (concealed)? Would you want them to have something sexual or uncomfortable/painful going on under their clothes? What about the dominant/top person?

Would you want to do something BDSM-ish during yichud (a period just after the chuppah ceremony when the couple is alone together in private)? What sort of thing? BDSM pledges? A show of submission? A beating? Would you want to play in yichud? Would you want to fuck in yichud?

If you’ve been a situation similar to this, what did you do? How did it work out? Were you pleased with it?

I was recently talking with someone who is Jewish, observant, interested in pretty intense submission and bottoming, and wants to meet and marry someone of complimentary interests, and it made me think about such a wedding.

When I first thought about it, I imagined a bride wearing nipple clamps and something interesting and uncomfortable on her genitals during the ceremony. Mmmmm. But as I thought about it, I decided that the huppah ceremony is a religious ritual — brachot (blessings) are said, G-d’s name is used, and so on. While I think that Jewish ritual is great, and sex and BDSM are great, I don’t think they should be combined. So, while the image is tittilating, I don’t think I would actually do it or have it done. Perhaps I would have the sub wear a concealed collar or some other token.

As to yichud, it was originally a time to consumate the marriage, so in my opinion, whatever you do or would want to do as part of your sex lives, or even any private acts between you, would be a fine thing to do in yichud. So a show of submission, physical play, sex, all good. Usually there is not much time, and not much sound privacy, in yichud, so you might be limited, but heck it is your wedding — do what you like.

(I think 18 minutes privacy is required, more is allowed, but most people are in a hurry to get back to the guests. I think most of the time yichud really is not much more than 18 minutes. Traditionally, bride and groom fast on their wedding day, and eat together in yichud. Observant men and women do not eat alone together with members of the opposite sex until married, and then only with their spouse. For them, eating alone together is an intimate act, that is, an act that only a married husband and wife would do.)

My spouse and I did fuck in yichud. We had longer than usual in yichud because some chairs and tables needed to be re-arranged between the huppah ceremony and the meal, so a long yichud was planned. (We are not as observant as described above; we had made love many times before.) I’m a traditionalist, at least in this: Yichud
was originally and for a long time for consumating the marriage, I think we should continue the tradition. Have other people done this?

Take care,

Hal

The seminary I attended tried very hard to instill the concept of tzniut (modesty) among the girls. Side point, I have this paranoid idea that the seminary failed with me, or maybe it is I who failed the seminary? Aside frrom learning the laws of tzniut as they are relevant to clothes a woman wears, we also learned about behaving modestly in a privacy of our houses. One of the rav stated that it would be highly immodest for a person to be in a living room wearing pajama; reason being is that there are probably Torah books in the living room, and it would be disrespectful and immodest to ward holy books to walk around less than fully clothed. Does that mean that a couple can never start foreplay in the living room before taking it to the bedroom? Does being frum equal to sex in a bedroom only?

Why is tattooing oneself is prohibited, but branding is allowed?  Either choice of body modification will leave a permanent mark on the skin.

The rules concerning menstruation and needah (as I understand it) require the woman to tell the man when she has become needah and they can’t have sex, then to tell him when she has dunked in the mikvah and they can have sex. If there is a dom/sub aspect to the relationship and the woman is dominant, this works out nicely — she tells him when they can and cannot have sex. If, however, there is a dom/sub aspect to the relationship and the man is dominant, it doesn’t fit in so well to have the woman (submissive, slave, sextoy) tell the man (dominant, master) when they can and cannot have sex. So, how do people handle this?

One approach is to say that she is just providing factual info — her flow has started, she has dunked. What he does with that info is up to him. This is like an SM situation where the bottom tells the top “I am getting close to my limit.” The top might ease off or stop, or might decide to drive the bottom to safeword. The problem here is that if both of the people are observant, then clearly the dom is not going to decide to have sex with the sub when she is needah, so we are back to her effectively telling him when they can and cannot have sex. So again, how do people handle this?

Looking forward to hearing people’s thoughts and discussion.