Needah and Dominance

The rules concerning menstruation and needah (as I understand it) require the woman to tell the man when she has become needah and they can’t have sex, then to tell him when she has dunked in the mikvah and they can have sex. If there is a dom/sub aspect to the relationship and the woman is dominant, this works out nicely — she tells him when they can and cannot have sex. If, however, there is a dom/sub aspect to the relationship and the man is dominant, it doesn’t fit in so well to have the woman (submissive, slave, sextoy) tell the man (dominant, master) when they can and cannot have sex. So, how do people handle this?

One approach is to say that she is just providing factual info — her flow has started, she has dunked. What he does with that info is up to him. This is like an SM situation where the bottom tells the top “I am getting close to my limit.” The top might ease off or stop, or might decide to drive the bottom to safeword. The problem here is that if both of the people are observant, then clearly the dom is not going to decide to have sex with the sub when she is needah, so we are back to her effectively telling him when they can and cannot have sex. So again, how do people handle this?

Looking forward to hearing people’s thoughts and discussion.


4 responses to “Needah and Dominance

  1. What an interesting question! I never thought about that aspect of an Observant life in the context of BDSM dynamics.
    Given that I am single, I don’t have practical experience to rely on. My first thought was “This is a halacha, of course a frum male dom would handle it the way a frum non-dom male would, i.e. wait for a wife to signal when it is OK to resume the physical aspect of the relationship.” After giving more thought to the question, I thought that a frum couple in BDSM relationship can have a setup when a man decides how, when, and in what manner a woman should tell him that she is nidah.
    This question touches on the idea of control, and who has the power. One way to take away the power would be for a female sub to communicate the end/start of the physical relationship in apologetic manner.

    That is my two cents.

  2. …when she comes back from the mikve she says “Tehorah Ani” rather than, “you can or may have sex with me…”

    I like taking her to mikve myself and dunking her. Not always easy to arrange, but well worth the effort. Much more fulfilling than hangin’ outside the mikve in the carpark waiting for her to come out. We use the sea or a lake if we can’t get private time in a proper mikve.

  3. I had been thinking that this was about multiple masters, or who is really your master. That is, if God says no sex while menstruating and the dom says I want to fuck you even though you are menstruating, what do you do? How can you serve multiple masters? Who is really your master?

    Now I’m thinking perhaps it is about limits, just like in any BDSM relationship. If the people agree on a limit, say, no suspending the female bottom by her nipples, and then one day the top says “I want to suspend you by your nipples,” what does the bottom do? She says “we agreed not to do that.” If he insists, she says “I can no longer put myself in your hands” and leaves. So if they agree not have sex during menstruation, to follow the rules of needah, and then he wants to break that rule, same situation. On the other hand, if they are married, leaving is not so easy.

    Anyway, that’s if the dom really tries to break the rule. We were talking just about how they communicate about when she is needah and when not.

  4. Hal, you bring a very good point, which is actually a sore point for me, “How can you serve multiple masters? Who is really your master?”

    The issue here is an integration of BDSM and frum lifestyles. In other words, can a frum person be involved in BDSM relationship? If the answer is “yes”, then how does a couple reconcile an idea of having to server two Masters. What is even more interesting is to think that a Master in a BDSM relationship also has a divine Master to serve. If a Master in a relationship has a Master to serve, than is the former truly a Master?

    For myself, I am yet to find an answer to these questions.

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